


Closest To Perfection

by Juliette01



Series: Since I've Been Loving You [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Insecure Dean, Love Confessions, M/M, No British Men of Letters, Protective Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 06:22:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11075838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliette01/pseuds/Juliette01
Summary: Dean's still struggling with the recent events with Amara and God when he returns to the Bunker with Mary. After a few drinks with Cas, he takes his chance and (finally) makes a move, tired of having to hide his true feelings. His heart breaks when Cas seems to reject him but that's okay, because he can live with another dissapointment. It's not the first time. And it's not like he expected someone as amazing as Cas to love him, right?However, things take an unexpected but not unhappy turn the next morning when he learns the reason behind Cas's apparent rejection. As it turns out, Dean's not the only one hiding what he feels.





	Closest To Perfection

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya guys. This is my first ever Destiel fanfic so I really hope you'll like it.
> 
> Since season 12 messed me up I wanted to write something to make the whole thing easier. This takes place right after season 11 finale. Let's just pretend that the British Men of Letters never showed up to destroy our boys' life and everything is as good for them as it can be.
> 
> Well, I hope you're gonna like it.

Dean didn't exactly know how this happened.

Gazing down at the sleeping angel in his arms, he couldn't help but wonder how it was even possible for him to be this lucky. He had done so damn many bad things in his life that even thinking about having someone other than Sam in his life that loved him uncondinionally left a bitter taste in his mouth. Everyone he loved died eventually and he didn't want any more people dead because of him, but at the same time he didn't want to be alone. He craved that deep affection he had never really had and some steadiness in his messed up life but with what he did he knew that was impossible.

And who in the right state of mind would choose to love someone as messed up as him from all the people?

So, imagine his surprise when he found out that Castiel, a damn Angel of the Lord, had fallen for him in every possible way (both metaphorically and literally).

It happened shortly after the whole Amara-making-peace-with-God thing when he returned at the Bunker with Mary.

The relief on Cas's face surpassed even the one on Sam's and the Angel quickly beat the younger Winchester to Dean, wrapping his arms around him in the tightest hug the hunter had ever received. Not that he was complaining. After so much time, it felt good having any close of contact with someone, not that he would have ever admitted it out loud.

When Cas finally let go, Sam followed, expressing how glad he was that he was okay, not that Dean was really listening to him. No. Instead, he was more focused on how good, how normal it had felt to have Cas in his arms. Like the angel belonged there.

Shaking the thought off, Dean made the presentations and decided to himself that seeing Sammy's face at the sight of their mother was worth everything they'd had to go through to get there. Even though they had lost so many people in their life but getting their mother back was something they sure as hell were grateful for.

Sam decided he was going to show Mary around the Bunker and though Dean would have loved nothing more than to go with them, he declared that he was too tired after the recent events and that he was going to his room.

"I'll catch up with you two later," He said, not feeling like explaining himself any further.

"You sure you're fine?" Sam asked, his signature puppy eyes in place and Dean decided to just ignore that look he knew all too well.

"I'm sure. You go ahead, I'll be just fine."

Sam sighed but nodded and although Mary gave him a doubtful look, she quietly went after her younger son.

Once Dean was sure they couldn't see him anymore, he made his way to the kitchen. Cas trailed after him without a word, sad-eyed and a lost expression on his face. In the kitchen, Dean pulled out a glass and a bottle of whiskey before sitting down on one of the chairs and pouring himself a generous amount from the bottle. Cas sat down on the chair next to him, looking at the mahogany table in silence as Dean took a sip from his glass.

That was nice.

There was something about the way Cas was sitting with him, not saying a word, like he was waiting for Dean to say something first.

Dean appreciated that about Cas. The angel had come a long way since they had first met to be like that, in time he had learned not to overstep his boundaries and could now sit in silence without pestering Dean to talk about things he didn't want to talk about.

Yeah, that was definitely nice.

It was only when Dean finished his first drink that it became obvious to him that Cas wasn't going to leave him there anytime soon so he stood up and picked another glass for Castiel. He poured them both a glass of whiskey and they drank in a comfortable silence, neither of them feeling the need to talk.

By the time they finished, they were both a little lightheaded and a warm, fuzzy feeling was spreading through Dean. He came to one conclusion: he was enjoying Cas's company.

At their next drink, when the alcohol in his system really started to kick in, he realized that maybe he was enjoying Cas's presence a little too much than he should have.

His tongue loosened as he admitted, "I wasn't sure I'd make it out alive." He didn't need to elaborate. Cas surely understood. Or at least he hoped so. He took another sip from his glass and clenched his eyes shut. "I-I thought I was done for when Amara realized what my plan was." Did he just stutter? He's Dean freaking Winchester! He doesn't stutter like a schoolgirl. Especially not in front of an angel!

"What really happened there?" Cas asked in his gruff voice, eyes following Dean's hand as he fiddled with his almost empty glass. It was the first thing he had said in what felt like hours though it couldn't have been really that long.

Dean shrugged lightly, his eyes focused intently on the golden liquid in his glass. "I dunno, man. One moment she was gonna destroy us and the next she was makin' peace with God. I didn't wanna admit but it was confusin', ya know."

Cas nodded and finished up his glass, pouring himself another one as he spoke, "I know."

They fell silent again, comfortable with just sitting together and finishing their drinks.

Soon enough Dean unconsciously leaned a little more towards Cas as they started talking about everything and nothing at once, Dean's speech becoming a little slurred from the alcohol.

They went through the whole bottle like that, enjoying each other's company and talking and laughing; though Dean was the one laughing while Cas only gave his usual half-smiles and chuckled lightly. But that was still something and Dean counted making the usually serious angel chuckle as a victory.

By the time they finished the bottle, Dean was more than just tipsy and Cas himself was obviously lightheaded and tipsy himself. At one point that night they had both come closer to each other and Dean had leaned into Cas so his head was now resting on the angel's shoulder though neither of them really minded. Dean couldn't help but notice how warm Cas's body was but it felt so nice and he sure as hell wasn't going to complain about it. He wondered how he hadn't noticed Cas's body warmth sooner, the guy had an unnatural heat radiating from him. Was that an angel thing? Or he was just too drunk and overanalyzing it?

Yeah, that might be it. He just had one too many drinks and they were causing him to overthink Cas's warmth.

And that sounded more creepy if put like that.

"Dean?" Cas asked voice rougher than normal and Dean looked up immediately, meeting those unnatural, deep blue eyes that belonged to his angel... to the angel. It wasn't like Cas was his or something...

"Yeah, Cas?" He answered before he could let himself wonder why the hell he had just thought that about Castiel. "Somethin' wrong?" Cas just blinked at him in response, eyes half lidded and face flushed as Dean grasped his hand and intertwined their fingers together. Holy crap! Had he just made Cas blush? It looked like it and for some reason the thought that he got an Angel fluster made him feel smugly satisfied. Though that didn't last long as the way Cas was looking at him made him feel his face heat up. So first he stuttered and now was blushing because of Cas?

Okay. The alcohol was really affecting him.

And yet it might have been something else, a fuzzy feeling in his head that didn't let him look away from Castiel.

Cas parted his lips slightly, like he was going to speak but no sound came out and before Dean could really think about it, he leaned up, closing the distance between their faces and his lips were against Cas's. His eyes fluttered closed and he fought the instinct of dominating the kiss, letting Cas decide whether he wanted this or not.

Hesitantly, Cas's free hand came up and he cupped the side of Dean's face in his palm, softly moving his lips against the hunter's. It was a chaste kiss, like testing the waters but that didn't stop either of them from enjoying it.

It was Dean's first time kissing a guy and the foreign feeling of Cas's slight stubble against his skin was odd but not unpleasant.

He liked it.

That was until Cas broke away with a small gasp and gently pushed Dean away from him and back in his chair, breaking the contact between their bodies.

"Wha'?" Dean managed, not too eloquently. "Why'd you pull back?" He asked, clearly trying to wrap his head around the fact that Cas had basically rejected him.

"You're drunk," Cas deadpanned, like the statement was going to miraculously explain his reaction.

"'M not. I... I can still think straight." He ran a hand down his face and sighed. "What was that, man?"

"You kissed me," Castiel replied, like it wasn't already damn obvious. Like it wasn't already damn obvious that he didn't want Dean that way. Huh. Apparently the hunter had read the signs wrong.

Sure, he knew he wasn't big deal and that there were better guys - better people - out there than him but he had dared to hope that Cas might feel a little something for him. Which was a mistake. And he was already regretting it. He shouldn't have assumed Cas felt something for him. He was a mess and he was selfish and he didn't think he deserves love and someone amazing like Cas would never feel anything for him but he didn't have to be so reminded about all that stuff in such a harsh way.

He shook the thought down at looked Cas in the eye, trying to remember what the Angel said only seconds ago. "You kissed me back," He whispered, trying not to let his emotions show.

Maybe if he got another drink he could forget about it.

Yeah, that was a good idea. He should really have another drink.

"I did," Cas answered calmly, like they were talking about the damn weather. "But you are drunk and in need of sleep. It's been a long day."

Yeah. Like he didn't already know that.

"'M fine," Dean mumbled, not ready to admit that Cas was right.

"Dean-"

The hunter stood up abruptly, cutting Cas off. He wasn't ready for a lecture and he felt like he was going to explode if he had to be around Cas after being so obviously rejected. A wave of dizziness crashed into him from the abruptness of the action and his legs were a bit wobbly but he'll be damned if he was going to stick around for Castiel to mother him.

Cas however seemed to have other plans. He stood up as well and placed his hand on Dean's shoulder, stabilizing him.

"Get... get off me!" Dean slurred, a little distracted but Cas's firm expression told him he wasn't backing down. Wordlessly, the angel guided Dean out of the kitchen and through the hallways to his room, keeping his hand on his shoulder the whole time. When they reached their destination, Dean assumed Cas was just going to let him there but instead the angel walked in with him and took him to the bed.

Usual steadily blank expression in place, Cas tugged Dean's plaid shirt off him then grabbed the hem of his T-shirt, lifting over his head and taking it off. Dean was pliant in his hands, only moving to make it easy for Cas to undress him. That was until Castiel went for his jeans. He batted his hands away grumpily, frowning down at him.

"Whatcha doin'?" His voice was a bit shaky, confusion obvious in his tone.

"I am getting you ready for sleep," Castiel answered, like it wasn't a big deal that he was undressing Dean. Which, for him it probably really wasn't.

"Don't need help. I can do it."

Cas shook his head. "Let me help you," He said softly and locked his eyes with Dean's. Dean swallowed hard and after a few moments of just staring into each other's eyes, he finally nodded.

"'Kay."

Castiel gave one of his barely perceptible smiles and proceeded to undo Dean's jeans, tugging them off. Dean stepped out of them and Cas made his way to the dresser, pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a grey T-shirt. He handed them over to Dean who quietly put them on, hating the blush that was creeping over his neck and across his face. When he was ready, he looked up at Cas expecting him to leave but was surprised to see him looking around the room confusedly, like he wasn't sure what to do next.

"Stay?" Dean asked before he could really think about it and Castiel looked up at him, nodding. Dean knew that if it wasn't for the alcohol in his system he wouldn't have had the guts to ask Cas that. Dean got under the covers and motioned for Cas to do the same. The Angel made to follow but Dean stopped him with a small "Wait." He gestured to his clothes, face heating up. "Those don't look comfortable to sleep in." Clearing his throat, he pointed to his dresser. "You can uh, borrow somethin' from me."

Cas nodded again, walked back to the dresser and picked out another pair of sweatpants and one of Dean's T-shirts. He got changed quietly, his back to Dean who fixated his gaze on the floor to give the angel his privacy. He walked over to Dean's bed once he was ready and lied down, getting under the covers.

They fought a little to fit together on the bed without touching each other and finally settled with lying on their sides, backs turned towards one another.

"Good night, Dean," Castiel whispered.

"'Night, Cas," Dean replied, voice low and a bit shaky.

He could feel Cas's radiating body heat next to him and even if he hated to admit, it was a nice way to go to sleep. Next to his angel.

Okay, not exactly his angel. Just... someone who understood him and who he could trust and didn't have to fear being himself around and okay maybe he'd had one too many drinks because this was definitely not him speaking something like that. Or thinking it. Or whatever.

He closed his eyes with a sigh, willing himself to stop thinking about it. It took him only minutes to drift off to sleep with the comforting thought that he had Cas next to him.

When Dean woke up in the morning the first thing he was aware of was the pounding headache he was sporting. The next thing he noticed was an arm around his waist and the sensation of someone's soft, warm breath on the back of his neck.

Huh. Weird. He didn't remember going out and bringing some random chick at the Bunker to spend the night with.

Shifting a bit, he realized not only that whoever's hand was on his stomach under his T-shirt, but that also the arm around him was too muscular to belong to a girl. The strong chest pressed against his was definitely a man's.

Shit!

Had he gotten so drunk last night that he had picked up a dude? What the hell?!

He tried to remember. Meeting Amara. God. Getting them to make peace. His mother coming back from the dead. Going back to the Bunker. Having a drink with Cas...

Wait... Cas!

Right. He had kissed Cas. And Cas had kissed him back for a few moments before rejecting him.

And then Cas had helped him get changed for sleep and climbed into his bed. He had shared the bed with Castiel.

His best friend. The only person besides Sam who understands him.

Oh God!

Dean removed Castiel's arm gently from around him and sat up, running a hand across his face.

He'd messed it all up. Royally.

He turned towards the angel and sighed. Cas was sleeping peacefully, face relaxed and breath steady. "Cas, wake up." He gently shook Cas's body though he didn't really want to lose such a sight. "C'mon, man. Wake up." Cas's eyes opened and he blinked up at Dean in confusion before the realization hit him and he scrambled to sit up. He blushed a little when their gazes met, giving Dean one of his usual half smiles.

"Good morning, Dean," He greeted, as polite as always.

"Cut the shit, Cas," Dean growled, voice lower than normal. He was done playing around. He wanted an answer from Cas and he was gonna get it. Hangover or not.

Cas seemed to sense the last part of his thought process because he placed two fingers on his forehead and Dean felt the small buzz of Grace as Castiel ridded him of his hangover. The Angel lingered with his fingers on Dean's forehead more than necessary before Dean moved away and cleared his throat.

"Okay, that's enough. Uh, thanks, Cas." Castiel smiled in response but cast his eyes downward, a sad look on his face.

"I assume you wish to speak about last night?" It wasn't a question, even if that's that's how he adressed it.

"Yah. I... I don't know what happened to you, Cas. Why'd you react like that?"

The Angel gave him him a puzzled look. "You do not want me like that. You have a history with females. My vessel is a male."

Dean tilted his head to the side in a very Cas-like way.

"So?"

"So..." Cas swallowed, looking up at Dean's face, too-deep blue eyes meeting forrest green. "You can not feel any sort of attraction towards me."

"You don't know that," Dean heard himself say, a little too fast for his own taste. He didn't want to sound needy, or whiny, or clingy.

"I actually do. I have seen the way you interact with women and it is nowhere near your interactions with men."

"Listen, man, I know how that looks like but you gotta listen." The hunter had to swallow down the lump forming in his throat before he was able to speak again. "Last night I knew what I was doing. And I wasn't screwing around with you. Ya know how hard it is for me when it comes to feelings and... and relationships and all that crap."

Cas nodded slowly, like he wasn't sure what to response. He reached one hand for Dean and the Hunter smiled as he accepted it, the simple gesture helping calm his nerves.

"So you understand why telling you all this isn't easy for me." Cas nodded again and Dean got braver, brushing his thumb across the back of his hand. "What I'm tryin' to say is, what I did last night was what I've wanted to do for some time. And I meant it." He watched Cas's face intensely, hoping he'd made it clear enough for the Angel. Realization settled on Cas's face and his eyes widened a little.

"Oh," He said, blinking once.

Dean chuckled. "I was sober enough to know what my intention was, okay? It wasn't the alcohol."

"But-"

Dean shook his head, cutting the angel off. "Just let me finish. I obviously know about my history with women. I lived it, remember?" He grinned but then wanted to slap himself for the way Cas's face fell. "Okay, we're both definitely gonna forget I said the last part." He cleared his throat awkwardly, busying himself with studying his and Cas's connected hands. "Look, Cas, you make me feel things, okay? Weird, nice things I've never felt with anybody else, not even with Lisa. I mean, I like you and... and I care about you... a lot, more than just a friend and I understand if you don't feel the same, I mean hell, you're an extremly powerful angel and I'm just some messed up human but I... I can't hold it in anymore." He finished with an awkward laugh, refusing to look up at Cas. He swallowed down hard, realizing that he'd just kinda poured his heart out in front of Cas and that the angel could very well break it beyond repair with just one word.

Sure, he'd be able to live with another disappointment like he'd done so far but even he knew he couldn't keep going on like that.

"Dean." Cas's voice came out soft, soothing. "You and Sam are all I have. Your yourself have called me your brother, have made me part of your family. And I feel the same way about you both."

"I'm sensing a but there."

"But..." Cas cupped Dean's cheek in his free hand, lifting his face up to look at him. "But what I feel about Sam is different from what I feel feel about you."

Dean's heart was racing in his chest by now and he dared to hope that maybe... just maybe this wouldn't turn up badly after all.

"It is... confusing," Cas said quietly. "What I feel for you is beyond my understanding. It's... something an angel should never feel. For anyone. We were not made for feeling, Dean. We were supposed to be soldiers. I was supposed to be a soldier. I was not supposed to feel." Cas maintained eye contact with Dean as he whispered, "I do not know how that has changed, but I know when and why it has changed." He made no attempt to look away from the Hunter's face.

Dean's brow furrowed. Was Cas sayong what he thought he was saying? "Cas?" He asked hesitantly, not really sure what to expect.

Cas tilted his head to the side in that cute way of his, a small smile taking hold of his lips. "I first fell in love with you when I was rebuilding your soul in Hell, Dean Winchester, and after that I fell in love with you over and over when I came in your aid on Earth. I could not help it." He clasped Dean's other hand in his, entwining their fingers together.

"Cas... I... what?" Not the most inteligible thing he had ever said but it was the only one he could say right now.

"I do not understand why you think so low of yourself, why you believe you deserve no love. You are an amazing person, Dean. You have the brightes soul I have ever seen and your heart is still so pure even after all the hardship you have been through. How could someone know you and not love you is beyind my comprehension. It baffles me that you think I would not have feelings for you, Dean. I thought I have shown you more than enough times."

"How?" Dean managed, voice hoarse, eyes growing wide in surprise.

Castiel sighed and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. "I rebelled for you, Dean. I gave up my brothers and sisters to be with you, to help you. I fell out of Heaven for you. I risked my safety to make sure you were out of danger. I even told you once I was growing too attached to my charge and that the other angels were concerned because of that. What did you think I meant? Why did you think I did all that if not because I loved you, Dean?"

"I thought... I just, uh..." Dean shook his head at himself for not being able to form a coherent sentence, chuckling lightly. "Now I just feel stupid. It makes sense now. It all does. But last night-"

"You were drunk," Cas cut in, interrupting him. "I thought you only kissed me because of the recent stressful events and the alcohol in your system."

"No, of course not. I wanted to do that, man. Have wanted that for years."

"What stopped you?" Castiel questioned and for a moment Dean wasn't sure wheter he was serious or just joking but after seeing the expression on Cas's face he settled for half-serious.

"I just thought you didn't want me that way," He admitted and Cas squeezed his hands soothingly. He felt kinda silly for not realizing this sooner, and with a boosted ego from the fact that Cas did have feelings for him, but above anything else, he felt... happy. Happier than he had felt in, well, in ever, if he was honest with himself.

"Of course I wanted you that way, Dean. Since I first laid my eyes on you in Hell. I love you, Dean." The last part came out more as an assurance for Dean but he needed that. Needed to make sure Cas felt the same.

"I..." And Dean was not ready to say it back right now. He knew it. And looking at Cas, he knew the Angel was aware of it. So he settled for something simpler. "I do too. What you said, I mean. I do too." That barely made any sense even to him but he knew Cas understood him. Cas always understood what he meant. And from the smile on Cas's face, it surely looked like the angel had understood him this time too.

"I now know," Castiel whispered, brining one of Dean's hands to his lips and pressing a soft kiss on his knuckles, enjoying the slight blush that formed on his cheeks.

"So," Dean retracted his hand, desperately willing his blush away. "Are we like, together or something?"

"I would like that," Castiel said, smiling down at the human.

"Awesome!" Dean exclaimed and leaned up without thinking, quickly pecking Cas's lips. He smiled brightly when he realized what just happened. "Me too, Cas."

"I am... very pleased."

Snorting quietly, Dean looked down at the pillows with longing. "Great, that's great. Now how 'bout we go back to sleep for a couple more hours, huh?" He offered, already lying on his back on the bed.

"Dean, I do not sleep," Cas said but Dean wasn't settling for a no.

"C'mon, man. I just had to wake you up like fifteen minutes ago. Get your feathery ass over here and let's go back to sleep."

This time Cas complied, laying himself down next to Dean and the hunter slip his arm under his neck, pulling Castiel to him.

"C'mere," he whispered as Cas rested his head on his chest and wrapped an arm around Dean's body. "See? This ain't so bad. Do whatever you did last night and go to sleep. I'll be right here."

The smile that quirked Cas's lips upwards was worth everything and Dean didn't anything more than just getting more of those. "Alright," Cas whispered, voice already sleepy. He buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck and made himself more comfortable against his hunter, his smile never once fading as his breath slowed down and soon enough Dean realized that Cas had fallen asleep in his arms. He took his chance and pressed a little kiss on Castiel's forehead, pulling back to look at him. He looked at peace, relaxed and Dean decided that he wanted more of that.

He wasn't going to lose Cas again.

Dean closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax for what felt like the first time in years. He had his mom back, Sammy was okay, he was alive and now he had Cas. He was happy.

His life might not be perfect, but with his family and Cas by his side, it was close enough.

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to all of you who read this. I can't even find the right words to tell you how awesome it felt writing this fic so I hope you enjoyed reading it.
> 
> I have some ideas for future fics with things I want these two dorks to experience together so I'll possibly make this a series. I'm not sure when I'll get the next part up but keep an eye out for it :)
> 
> Thank you again for reading!


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